He’s a vampire who hasn’t scored in 400 years. Tonight’s the night!

Rockula is the cult flick that never was. Seriously. If this movie got wider distribution and marketing back in the day, I’m sure it would be among cheeseball classics such as Killer Klowns from Outer Space and Rock & Roll High School, and we’d be buying shirts from 80′s Tees with Stanley’s Death Park plastered on the front. But unfortunately for all those involved with Rockula, that never happened as the film became one of the casualties of the collapse of Cannon/Pathe films and some subsequent dodgy dealings. Made in 1988, but shelved until 1990, I believe it may have had an extremely limited theatrical release, but then went quietly to a (once again) limited video and laserdisc release with no buzz whatsoever.

Ralph LaVie is a vampire with a big problem. 300 years ago, he was lucky enough to meet the love of his life, the beautiful Mona. Mona and Ralph fell in love, but as luck would have it, Mona already had a boyfriend – a pirate with a rhinestone peg leg (you still with me here?) who didn’t take too kindly to Ralphie moving in on his girl. So he donks her on the head with a ham bone, and she dies without Ralph being able to save her. To make matters worse, for his failure to save the woman he loves, fate has cursed young Ralph to repeat the process every 22 years on Friday the 13th. He will meet Mona, they will fall in love only for her to die a few days later at the hands of a pirate with a rhinestone peg leg weilding a ham bone. Fast forward to the present, where Ralph is determined to break the curse by having absolutely no part of it and staying home. But it doesn’t take much goading on the part of his sarcastic doppelganger who is trapped in the mirror for him to head out, and wouldn’t you know it? Mona hits him with her car.

Ralph pretty much high tails it out of there straight away, but not without first making an impression on Mona. Ralph still believes that the best course of action is to stick his head in the sand, but his mother Phoebe (Toni Basil) tells him that whether he likes it or not, she’s going to die in a few days unless he does something. Realising she is right, Ralph decides to find her. After spending the day scouring LA for any hint of her or her band, he finally stumbles across a flier for her show that evening at Club Hell. He manages to talk to her, but in trying to impress her he tells her that he’s in a band. Ralph is musically inclined, but he definitely doesn’t have a band however after rounding up his artistic friends at the local bar (including Bo Diddley and Susan Tyrell), Rockula is born!

Ralph leaves a flier at Mona’s house, knowing that she will come to see his band, who end up being a huge success. Mona is drawn to Ralph, but can’t figure out why. As Ralph and Mona begin to spend more time together it becomes clear that Mona’s manager and operator of the local coffin emporium, Stanley will prove to be a very big problem. He’s also in love with Mona, and his psychic Madame Benoit has not only informed him of his competition with Ralph, but also that he is a vampire! Madame Benoit tells Stanley that in order to save Mona, he must kill her…provided he does it with a ham bone while dressed as a pirate with a rhinestone peg leg…the plot thickens!

Ralph is struggling for a way to tell Mona the truth about who they both are, and an evening with his mother doesn’t do much to help the cause, leaving Mona very confused. Ralph finally confesses the truth to her, turning himself into a bat as proof, which understandably freaks her out. Confused and upset, the pair mope in their bedrooms for a few days (via a montage of course), until Mona decides she’s had enough and packs her stuff and heads for the airport. She doesn’t get far before realising that vampire or not, she loves Ralph and goes back to Club Hell’s Halloween party to face her destiny.

Ralph is relieved when Mona finally appears, but their troubles are far from over. Stanley has dressed as a pirate for Halloween, and there is a conspicuous amount of ham sandwiches in the backstage area. At the urging of the very familar looking Madame Benoit, Stanley kidnaps Mona and attempts to kill her so he can cryogenically freeze her forever, and Ralph realises it’s time to finally bring the curse to an end.

This movie really is the epitome of quirky, with not only the ever awesome Dean Cameron, but Thomas Dolby, Susan Tyrell, Bo Diddley and Toni Basil!! What more could the cult film enthusiast possibly look for? I also must give a mention to Tawny Fere, who is really very beautiful and it’s a shame she didn’t do more stuff.

It’s got catchy musical numbers (including one from Thomas Dolby that ended up on the cutting room floor), great actors and plenty of scenes that make you ask the question, “Wait, did that just happen?”. Why Rockula wasn’t a massive hit is something I will probably never know.

IMAGES

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SOUNDTRACK

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01. (I Just Wanna) Rockula (Main Titles) – Dr. Daddio
02. Ralph(s) on the Keys – Hilary Bercovici
03. Stanley’s Death Park – Thomas Dolby
04. Break These Chains – Tawny Fere
05. Hey, Mona – Dr. Daddio
06. Turn Me Loose – Tawny Fere
07. Rockula’s Band – Hilary Bercovici
08. Rockula – Dean Cameron
09. Rapula (He’s the DJ, I’m the Vampire) – Dean Cameron
10. By My Side – Dean Cameron & Tawny Fere
11. The Night – Toni Basil
12. Budapest By Blimp – Thomas Dolby
13. Phoebe’s Dance -Hilary Bercovici
14. United State of Beat – Visiting Kids
15. The King Is Back (Hey, Rockula) – Dean Cameron
16. The Night – Toni Basil (VHS glitch)

(info from Vinnie Rattole)

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