Hey ho, Let’s Go!

Why I waited so long to watch this movie I will never know, now do I not only know where a lot of the ideas from the (most excellent Corey Feldman featuring) sequel came from, but I also have a new movie to add to my favourites list! Well worth the $1.00 I spent on my VHS copy and you can be sure that I’ll be picking up the DVD also. I used to think that P.J. Soles was REALLY annoying, (totally from Halloween! totally…) but watching this movie and seeing her portrayal of Riff Randall has pretty much changed that entirely! Hey! Ho! Let’s Go!

Vince Lombardi High School has the reputation of being the most rockin’ high school around, that is until straight laced Principal Togar takes over. Togar threatens to destroy everything that remains sacred to this rock and roll high school with her rules and regulations, so it’s up to the students to take back what is rightfully theirs!

Riff Randall is the coolest girl in school and the biggest Ramones fan on earth, and along with her plain, yet cute friend Kate Rambeau, she plans to take Togar down in the name of Rock and Roll! Riff has dreamed of writing songs for the Ramones for just about forever, and when they come to town she takes three days off school to make sure she’s first in line for tickets. But not only will she have to deal with the likes of Principal Togar to get to the show, but also The Ramones “No. 1 Fan”, groupie extraordinaire – the conniving Angel Dust. Will Riff ever get her songs to The Ramones? Read more…

There’s only one thing wilder, crazier and sexier than last summer. THIS SUMMER!

I give it: 2 out of 5 for the words “Corey” and “Feldman” in the credits.

I seriously think they should be taking legitimate steps to rename this movie “Meatballs 4: Corey Feldman saves the film”. Granted, the film was crap, and Corey F was so out of place as the only decent actor (and I am speaking subjectively here) in the entire cast, but for me, he at least made it watchable. If you’re not a Corey fan, I suggest you steer clear.

The basic premise for our little story is as follows: Lakeside water-ski camp is in financial trouble. Their summer attendance has dwindled to little more than 20 students, and Twin Oaks water-ski camp on the other side of the lake, and it’s rich owner want to take over Lakeside and turn it into a golf course. Their only hope is to attempt to boost attendance rates so they can make their $200,000 mortgage in time. You get your usual bunch of teens who look way to old to be attending summer camp. Mean jocks, bimbos with big boobs, the obligatory fat/nerd guy who will no doubt end up with a pretty girl (In this flick they went all out and actually got a fat nerd rather than just one or the other. Points for effort) and yet more bimbos willing to get their gear off for the sake of quality cinema. Read more…

Rudy struck out two summers in a row… this will be his year to score!

I always find it incredibly amusing to see women fawning over Patrick “Dr McDreamy” Dermott, simply because I just can’t kick the image of him as that scrawny dork in Can’t Buy Me Love, or playing that scrawny dork in the Fast Times TV series, or just for some range, playing that scrawny dork in Meatballs III. To me he’s just like that kid who changed his haircut and changed schools. We know the truth. There’s no denying he’s still a dork.

Anywhoo, Meatballs III. I love this movie and it’s a shame that it’s the only one yet to make it to DVD. Even 4 got a look in (Go Feldog Go!), so hopefully it won’t be too long before Meatballs III isn’t just some out of print VHS. I was lucky enough to catch it on the Comedy Channel last month, and I really should have recorded it to DVD. Well I would have if I wasn’t so poor and actually had a DVD recorder. I managed to source a copy through *ahem* other means, which means I am able to bring you pretty captures to make up for a mediocre review.

Rudy is a dork of epic proportions (I know we already covered that), who is headed off to work a summer job at a boathouse. He’s also a horny virgin who is desperate to get laid. He arrives at the boathouse to find that the cruisy job he expected is no longer a reality, as the boathouse has been sold to a fierce looking biker named Mean Gene. On top of that, the kids from school who love to make fun of him are also vacationing where he is working, and a weird, creepy local girl is determined to get in his pants. Rudy may be desperate, but even he feels there are plenty of better options for him than Wendy. He’s sleeping in a shed and spending his days working his butt off. Rudy feels like giving up, but all hope is not lost. Unbeknownst to Rudy his favourite porn star Roxy Dujour has just died filming her latest movie and needs to do a good deed in order to earn her wings and get into heaven, and it appears helping Rudy is exactly what she needs to get into that big film studio in the sky. Read more…

Emerson High has raised more than its academic standards.

Todd Eric Andrews was the object of my affection for a year or so, and much like the ever beautiful Lee Montgomery, made one more movie after the one they are most remembered for and then disappeared into obscurity. It’s highly possible that Todd is indeed Dirk Benedicts secret lovechild, after all he shares Dirk’s unwavering hairdo, and Dirk is a giant man-whore whom I love with all my heart. I just made that up. The paternity/man-whore part that is, I really do love Dirk. It is a somewhat plausible theory though. But I digress, who knows how old and horrible Todd looks now, but what the hell. Who cares?

Zapped Again is of course, the sequel to the film Zapped with Scott Baio (I heard a rumour that Joanie loves Chachi means Joanie loves Penis in Singapore, and thus was the most watched pilot ever there). It is pretty much the same movie re-hashed for the late eighties but it is nonetheless cool. How can you say no to a movie about a telekinetic undersexed teen with a penchant for using his powers for the removal of women’s clothing? Well I sure as hell can’t, but I’m guessing you already knew that. It’s kind of weird that inside the body of this twenty something female is a horny male teenager. Wait, that sounded wrong.

Oh yes, the movie.

Kevin is the new kid in town and due to his mothers career in real estate he has moved around so much he has been to a massive six high schools in two years (thats terrible parenting). Needless to say he has a little trouble making friends and on his first day, after deciding to strike up a conversation with Amanda, the prettiest girl in bike shorts the whole school, he gets himself in an altercation with her boyfriend Wayne and his jock mate Cecil, making them late for ceramics. Oh no! Read more…

You shouldn’t have buried me. I’m not dead.

I love horror movies, and I feel bad that there isn’t much of a horror contingent representin’ here on my site. I find it difficult to write horror reviews – especially for movies that I really like. You’d like to make the review entertaining to try and entice the reader to go watch it, but you don’t want to give away who lives or dies, and sometimes that’s integral to the plot. Nightmare on Elm St 4 is definitely one of my favourites from the series so I’m going to try and attempt this review. Just a warning though, there will be slight spoilers. It’s totally unavoidable. If you haven’t seen it and you are reading this, get the hell off the internet and go rent/buy it. Right now. Stop reading! Go on! Shoo!

Okay, so I’m gathering that anyone still with me by this point has seen the movie and doesn’t mind if I discuss who bites the big one before the end of the film. Lets begin.

This wonderful Freddy instalment (directed by Renny Harlin, best known to me for being that guy married to Geena Davis) is known to Freddy fans as Nightmare on Elm St filmed for MTV. Made in 1987, it certainly stamps itself down as a teen flick as opposed to the horror flick that the earlier movies (I am referring to 1 and 3) were. Tuesday Knight (Kristen, replacing Patricia Arquette) sings the very catchy opening track and we are instantly thrown into one of her nightmares. She seems to sense that Freddy has returned even though his house (Nancy’s house) is empty and the boilers are cold. Kristen still has the talent to bring anyone into her dreams and Joey and Kincaid don’t seem too thrilled when she keeps dragging them back to the boiler room and out of their own dreams. But when Kincaids dog Jason bites Kristen in their dream, and she wakes up bleeding, she knows it’s about to start all over again. Read more…

They’re making America safe…barely.

This movie, and perhaps even Jackie Kong as a whole, deserve much much more love. I hadn’t heard of this flick before meeting my boyfriend, who despite it’s R18+ rating over here, used to watch it regularly as a kid with his grandfather. But I had seen and loved Blood Diner, so I was more than open to anything else that Jackie Kong had to offer. Boy was I in for a treat – let me tell you, this movie is so damn hilarious that you’ll be quoting it for weeks and that damn theme song will be in your head for the rest of your natural born life.

The movie begins with our main character, LAPD police officer Melvin pulling over a strange looking character in a straight jacket who appears to speak only French, which is of course dubbed over in true Jackie Kong style. This insane frenchman confesses to Melvin that he has picked up a hitchiker and severely raped him, while asking him if he will touch his balls and lick his trunk. Melvin doesn’t understand French, but proceeds to tell the driver that his trunk won’t close because the latch is broken – completely ignoring the fact that there is a body hanging out of it, successfully showing us that as a cop, Melvin really isn’t that sharp.

We are then treated to a montage of a typical day on the job for Melvin, including an amorous homeless man, being beaten up by a little girl, trying to convince a young woman she shouldn’t be in the line at the sperm bank and the pregnant prostitute advertising her “two for one” sale. I gotta warn you – a lot of this movie rates pretty low on the taste scale, but it’s incredibly funny if you aren’t offended easily. Read more…

Some guys get all the brakes!

This movie is one of my very favourite 80’s movies, clearly proving that you just couldn’t seem to beat the on-screen charisma of the two Corey’s. Although Haim (RIP buddy) was my second favourite Corey, I must admit, he played the role of Les well and even had me believing at certain points that Heather Graham really could fall in love with someone who was basically head height with her boobs. I know Haim was pretty short, but is Heather tall too?

Doesn’t matter. We are here for the review! Aaaand the story goes a little something like this…

Les Anderson can’t wait to get his license. He dreams about it in class at school. His life is completely ruled by the prospect of that one little piece of cardboard being his ticket to freedom. In his fantasies, a cool car and a license are also the key to getting the school’s biggest babe, Mercedes Lane, to fall in love with him. But alas, Les is a geek with no car and no license, and due to the fact that he never pays attention in driver’s ed class, not much prospect of getting one.

But when Mercedes has a fight with her boyfriend at a party, Les just happens to be at the right place at the right time. She grabs him in an attempt to make the older man jealous and says that they have a date. Les is stoked! Now all he needs is that license! Oh yeah, and find out if Mercedes actually means what she said about going out with him. Les gets his lucky break when his father picks him up for a driving lesson in his grandfathers prized Cadillac that his family are looking after for him. He spots Mercedes walking home and convinces his Dad to let him take the car for a few minutes to impress her. Unfortunately for Les, she’s not going home. She’s off to a friend’s place on the other side of town. Les drives her there, but leaves his fuming father on the sidewalk with an armful of groceries in order to do so. Read more…

The biggest lobster tale ever.

Oookay. I think this might actually be the worst movie I have ever seen. And not in the hilariously campy “Boardinghouse” sense, but in the “Oh my God, I want that 90 minutes of my life back I hate everyone involved in every aspect of this film” sense. I’m just going to document the entire thing so no human being ever has to watch this terrible, horrible movie ever again.

JP Shelldrake’s (Tony Curtis) film company raised a profit of 14.7 million dollars in the last financial year, but in doing so, owes the tax office 3 million dollars. The profits have since been spent on luxury yachts and ex-wives so JP’s accountant informs him that the only way to get out of hot water is to report a tax loss for the current financial year, which ends in only six days. They need a film that will lose money, and they need it fast! Cue Stevie Horowitz – Aspiring filmmaker who has just completed his first film: Lobster Man from Mars, who happens to be in the right place at the right time. JP Horowitz, in dire need of a stinker, agrees to look at his film. And so the film within a film, Lobster Man from Mars, begins.

Mars is running out of air, and the King of Mars orders the Lobster Man to go to Earth and steal Earth’s air supply for the inhabitants of Mars. Lobster Man at first refuses to go, but when told that he will be able to eat whatever, or whoever he wants he agrees to take the trip. Meanwhile on Earth, a young couple named John and Mary are driving along a deserted road completely unaware of the fate that awaits them. Read more…

He’s a vampire who hasn’t scored in 400 years. Tonight’s the night!

Rockula is the cult flick that never was. Seriously. If this movie got wider distribution and marketing back in the day, I’m sure it would be among cheeseball classics such as Killer Klowns from Outer Space and Rock & Roll High School, and we’d be buying shirts from 80′s Tees with Stanley’s Death Park plastered on the front. But unfortunately for all those involved with Rockula, that never happened as the film became one of the casualties of the collapse of Cannon/Pathe films and some subsequent dodgy dealings. Made in 1988, but shelved until 1990, I believe it may have had an extremely limited theatrical release, but then went quietly to a (once again) limited video and laserdisc release with no buzz whatsoever.

Ralph LaVie is a vampire with a big problem. 300 years ago, he was lucky enough to meet the love of his life, the beautiful Mona. Mona and Ralph fell in love, but as luck would have it, Mona already had a boyfriend – a pirate with a rhinestone peg leg (you still with me here?) who didn’t take too kindly to Ralphie moving in on his girl. So he donks her on the head with a ham bone, and she dies without Ralph being able to save her. To make matters worse, for his failure to save the woman he loves, fate has cursed young Ralph to repeat the process every 22 years on Friday the 13th. He will meet Mona, they will fall in love only for her to die a few days later at the hands of a pirate with a rhinestone peg leg weilding a ham bone. Fast forward to the present, where Ralph is determined to break the curse by having absolutely no part of it and staying home. But it doesn’t take much goading on the part of his sarcastic doppelganger who is trapped in the mirror for him to head out, and wouldn’t you know it? Mona hits him with her car. Read more…

Terry Griffith is about to go where no woman has gone before.

Yet another 80′s classic that I’ve waited far too long to review. I remember watching this one back when I was way too young to understand any of the jokes, let alone see a pair of boobs. Having watched it yesterday, I can definitely say that the acting was pretty bad, and even though Joyce Hyser is undoubtedly attractive (great legs), you also have to remember that she would have been picked for a the role based on her ability to look like a dude. So this movie presents you with somewhat of a dilemma – is Terri a hot chick, or does her transformation into Terry completely negate that? For safety’s sake, lets just jump on the other boat and say Clayton Rohner is a certified fox.

In case you’ve lived under a rock since 1985, and haven’t seen this movie, allow me to elaborate on the story a little bit. It’s a pretty simple story, so lets hope that I can stretch it into something long enough to vaguely resemble a review. Did you like the extra words in that sentence? It’s called padding folks. Kickass. Anyhow, our young heroine Terri is the hottest girl at her high school. Sure, she has slightly boyish features and a masculine voice, but she’s got legs that won’t quit so who cares right? Terri’s so hot that even the teachers perve on her, and all the guys fawn over her and completely ignore her very cute, blond, married-to-Dirk-Benedict best friend Denise. Logic is sometimes conspicuous by its absence in these films, but I digress. Terri has her heart set on being a journalist, but when her teacher fails to pick her article for submission to the Sun Tribune for a summer internship and suggests she should be a model instead, Terri doesn’t take it too well and thinks just because she is hot no one will take her seriously. Even her “perfect” college boyfriend thinks that she doesn’t have a future in journalism. Not willing to take no for an answer, she decides to masquerade as a guy and submit the same article at a high school on the other side of town. Read more…