Hey ho, Let’s Go!

Why I waited so long to watch this movie I will never know, now do I not only know where a lot of the ideas from the (most excellent Corey Feldman featuring) sequel came from, but I also have a new movie to add to my favourites list! Well worth the $1.00 I spent on my VHS copy and you can be sure that I’ll be picking up the DVD also. I used to think that P.J. Soles was REALLY annoying, (totally from Halloween! totally…) but watching this movie and seeing her portrayal of Riff Randall has pretty much changed that entirely! Hey! Ho! Let’s Go!

Vince Lombardi High School has the reputation of being the most rockin’ high school around, that is until straight laced Principal Togar takes over. Togar threatens to destroy everything that remains sacred to this rock and roll high school with her rules and regulations, so it’s up to the students to take back what is rightfully theirs!

Riff Randall is the coolest girl in school and the biggest Ramones fan on earth, and along with her plain, yet cute friend Kate Rambeau, she plans to take Togar down in the name of Rock and Roll! Riff has dreamed of writing songs for the Ramones for just about forever, and when they come to town she takes three days off school to make sure she’s first in line for tickets. But not only will she have to deal with the likes of Principal Togar to get to the show, but also The Ramones “No. 1 Fan”, groupie extraordinaire – the conniving Angel Dust. Will Riff ever get her songs to The Ramones?

While all this is going on, Tom Howard, the dorky captain of the school football team, has no idea what to do about his huge crush on Riff, so he organises a contract with Eagle Bauer industries to take her out on a date. Riff however is in love with Joey Ramone but her friend Kate is nuts about Tom. Out of desperation, Kate goes to see Eagle Bauer who sees a way to use the situation to his advantage and uses Kate as training to teach socially inept Tom how to act on a date in preparation for his “big night” with Riff.

When Kate and Riff lose their Ramones tickets after an altercation with Principal Togar, Tom sees this as his perfect chance to ask Riff out. But as luck has it, Kate and Riff win two more tickets in a radio contest! Not wanting to take no for an answer Tom and Eagle Bauer plan to go to the concert to find the girls.

Enraged that the girls have made it to the concert even though she confiscated their tickets – Principal Togar has called an emergency assembly to rid the school of the problem that is The Ramones. But what she didn’t expect was for Riff to take control of the school and The Ramones to crash the party!

There is a lot to keep you occupied in this movie, with hilarious characters like the Hall Monitors and their body searches, Eagle Bauer the school entrepreneur supplying the students with test scores, fake ID’s and setting up dates from his office in the Men’s lavatory and the poor Freshman guy who cops all sorts of punishment throughout the film. Many characters that appeared in the sequel originated from the first film. Eagle Bauer, Mr McGree, Screamin’ Steve and even Mary Woronov’s Principal Togar character bears stark resemblances to her Dr. Vadar character in the sequel.

This film is fantastic and manages to maintain its fun, high energy feel throughout the duration. Surprisingly enough I think that even thought it was made in 1979 it has aged rather well. The music of the Ramones is timeless and well, maybe it’s got something to do with my quirky fashion sense, but I thought Riff Randall’s choice of attire was sensational! An awesome way to spend 90 minutes and how every school should be run!

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There’s only one thing wilder, crazier and sexier than last summer. THIS SUMMER!

I give it: 2 out of 5 for the words “Corey” and “Feldman” in the credits.

I seriously think they should be taking legitimate steps to rename this movie “Meatballs 4: Corey Feldman saves the film”. Granted, the film was crap, and Corey F was so out of place as the only decent actor (and I am speaking subjectively here) in the entire cast, but for me, he at least made it watchable. If you’re not a Corey fan, I suggest you steer clear.

The basic premise for our little story is as follows: Lakeside water-ski camp is in financial trouble. Their summer attendance has dwindled to little more than 20 students, and Twin Oaks water-ski camp on the other side of the lake, and it’s rich owner want to take over Lakeside and turn it into a golf course. Their only hope is to attempt to boost attendance rates so they can make their $200,000 mortgage in time. You get your usual bunch of teens who look way to old to be attending summer camp. Mean jocks, bimbos with big boobs, the obligatory fat/nerd guy who will no doubt end up with a pretty girl (In this flick they went all out and actually got a fat nerd rather than just one or the other. Points for effort) and yet more bimbos willing to get their gear off for the sake of quality cinema.

Then there’s the counsellors. Due to the camp’s financial woes (or is that the movie’s financial woes?) the number of counsellors is whittled down to three (plus one blonde girl that you see at both the beginning and the end of the movie. I know. It makes no sense to me either). Smarmy Kyle thinks that he’s a shoe in to get the position of Recreation director. Of course it doesn’t help that Kelly, the owners’ slightly whiny daughter is his girlfriend. But in an effort to boost attendance, a new counsellor is brought in. Ricky Wade. Cue Corey Feldman to play the uber cool character. Kyle is notably pissed, and Kelly shocked, as her and the Feldog apparently used to have it going on before he left the camp two years ago for reasons yet unknown. It pains me to call him Ricky, because that’s the name of the fat kid from Better of Dead so, he will henceforth be referred to as Corey. Corey “drops in” in true showboating style by parachuting into the lake with wild and crazy promises to the twenty something teens about how they are going to have such a great time. As the film progressed it began to appear to me that Corey was ad-libbing the majority of his lines. Even further into the film, I began to wonder if an script ever actually existed at all.

The return of the almighty Corey causes many problems for fellow counsellor Kyle, who is outsmarted and outdone at everything he does, so when the Water-ski competition comes up, he sees it as a perfect chance to sabotage Corey’s attempt at the famed “triple hinge” ski jump. A jump that no one other than, Neil Peterson, the camps elderly owner has ever completed. Corey is pissed and fires Kyle, who goes to work for Twin Oaks which in turn causes Kelly to whine some more. Meanwhile, nasty scheming Monica Chavitz, Twin Oaks decidedly evil British owner has been doing a little sabotaging of her own. In order to take advantage of Lakeside’s money back guarantee, she makes camp life miserable for all but a few campers who head home and take their money back. Defeated, Neil decides to accept her offer of $500,000 cash for the camp and to call it a day.

BUT NOT ON COREYS WATCH!
QUOTE: “I have a plan, but it’s going to take some big kahonies”.

Corey goes to see Monica and organises a winner take all Water-ski Comp re-match. However if Lakeside loses, Corey must go and work for Twin Oaks at minimum wage for a period of five years! Ouch! But while all this is happening he manages to convince Kelly that he loves her and after an Oscar winning heartfelt speech (“Ricky Wade has never been the best at ANYTHING!”) about how he left because he was scared he wasn’t good enough for her, she has forgiven him and all is well. Congrats Corey. You just landed the chick with the smallest breasts in the entire cast. Now all they gotta do is beat dirty cheating Twin Oaks to keep the camp. Perhaps Corey will even land the famed triple hinge while he’s at it!

What the hell. This movie was dumb but I guess I liked it more than Nightwish. The movie was never even actually intended to be a Meatballs movie. The working title was “Happy Campers”. Somehow the producers thought it would make more bank as a Meatballs film. I doubt their plan worked.

If you watch past the snogfest at the end of the movie Corey cracks out a pretty funny closing line. I’m not going to tell you what it is, you can watch the movie for yourself. Yes, I am that sadistic, but cheer up, I’m not making you, or anyone else watch Nightwish.

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Rudy struck out two summers in a row… this will be his year to score!

I always find it incredibly amusing to see women fawning over Patrick “Dr McDreamy” Dermott, simply because I just can’t kick the image of him as that scrawny dork in Can’t Buy Me Love, or playing that scrawny dork in the Fast Times TV series, or just for some range, playing that scrawny dork in Meatballs III. To me he’s just like that kid who changed his haircut and changed schools. We know the truth. There’s no denying he’s still a dork.

Anywhoo, Meatballs III. I love this movie and it’s a shame that it’s the only one yet to make it to DVD. Even 4 got a look in (Go Feldog Go!), so hopefully it won’t be too long before Meatballs III isn’t just some out of print VHS. I was lucky enough to catch it on the Comedy Channel last month, and I really should have recorded it to DVD. Well I would have if I wasn’t so poor and actually had a DVD recorder. I managed to source a copy through *ahem* other means, which means I am able to bring you pretty captures to make up for a mediocre review.

Rudy is a dork of epic proportions (I know we already covered that), who is headed off to work a summer job at a boathouse. He’s also a horny virgin who is desperate to get laid. He arrives at the boathouse to find that the cruisy job he expected is no longer a reality, as the boathouse has been sold to a fierce looking biker named Mean Gene. On top of that, the kids from school who love to make fun of him are also vacationing where he is working, and a weird, creepy local girl is determined to get in his pants. Rudy may be desperate, but even he feels there are plenty of better options for him than Wendy. He’s sleeping in a shed and spending his days working his butt off. Rudy feels like giving up, but all hope is not lost. Unbeknownst to Rudy his favourite porn star Roxy Dujour has just died filming her latest movie and needs to do a good deed in order to earn her wings and get into heaven, and it appears helping Rudy is exactly what she needs to get into that big film studio in the sky.

Roxy, who can only be seen by Rudy, takes him under her wing and tries to show him how to be a man and attract the ladies. But Rudy has enough problems of his own without this meddling would-be angel telling him how he should walk and dress. Tom, an older kid and his idiot friends won’t stop making Rudy the butt of their jokes and his new boss Mean Gene is a slave driver who is ripping him off. Gene has a reputation of beating the living snot out of anyone who looks at his lady “the love goddess”, a beautiful blonde constantly dressed in lingerie who never leaves her room. And to top things off, Wendy just won’t get the hint that he isn’t interested.

Roxy isn’t giving up on her only chance to get into heaven, and with a little persistence, it isn’t long before Rudy finally begins to listen to her. She teaches him some important lessons about confidence and how he should compose himself, and for a while it appears to be working. Rudy actually cleans up his act and starts to score some ladies. But after a couple of disasters with a violent biker chick and the partially blind wet t-shirt contest winner, it becomes clear that even Roxy’s views on what women want may be a little bit skewed. Frustrated, Rudy decides to call it a day. He doesn’t want Roxy’s help anymore and tells her to leave. He’s had enough of everything, and he’s packing up and heading home.

But before he can go, he unknowingly uncovers a scam betting system Tom has set up make cash off sending people up to try and score with the love goddess, before Gene beats the crap out of them. All summer long, no one has been able to get near her and Tom has been raking in the cash betting on Gene throwing guys out the window, but when Tom and his friend figure out that Gene has slipped away for the day they figure they can make a ton of cash off people betting that their man will get to the Love Goddess without Gene knowing about it. Since it’s the complete opposite of what has been happening all summer, everyone is betting high. Amidst all the drama, Rudy decides that the only way to prove that he’s a man is to go up there himself and score with Mean Gene’s lady.

Unfortunately for Rudy, some intervention from Wendy results in Gene coming back early, and he’s really going to need all the help he can get from a certain deceased porn star with magical powers. Roxy has come to some realisations of her own – that maybe her good deed isn’t helping Rudy to score after all. What she really needs to do is help him find real love.

Apparently, this movie was made as a tax write off, but I’ve always found it really fun and entertaining. Sally Kellerman has this great sultry air about her and seems to pull off slutty really well (she was the judge in the completely awesome Moving Violations) and Shannon Tweed (The Love Goddess) was incredibly beautiful before she started getting plastic surgery. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with her now, but damn she was hot in the 80′s! No wonder she was once Hef’s girlfriend and managed to land herself Gene Simmons.

Overall a good way to spend 90 minutes curled up on the couch with some junk food. I highly recommend it. Even if just to laugh at Patrick Dempsey.

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Emerson High has raised more than its academic standards.

Todd Eric Andrews was the object of my affection for a year or so, and much like the ever beautiful Lee Montgomery, made one more movie after the one they are most remembered for and then disappeared into obscurity. It’s highly possible that Todd is indeed Dirk Benedicts secret lovechild, after all he shares Dirk’s unwavering hairdo, and Dirk is a giant man-whore whom I love with all my heart. I just made that up. The paternity/man-whore part that is, I really do love Dirk. It is a somewhat plausible theory though. But I digress, who knows how old and horrible Todd looks now, but what the hell. Who cares?

Zapped Again is of course, the sequel to the film Zapped with Scott Baio (I heard a rumour that Joanie loves Chachi means Joanie loves Penis in Singapore, and thus was the most watched pilot ever there). It is pretty much the same movie re-hashed for the late eighties but it is nonetheless cool. How can you say no to a movie about a telekinetic undersexed teen with a penchant for using his powers for the removal of women’s clothing? Well I sure as hell can’t, but I’m guessing you already knew that. It’s kind of weird that inside the body of this twenty something female is a horny male teenager. Wait, that sounded wrong.

Oh yes, the movie.

Kevin is the new kid in town and due to his mothers career in real estate he has moved around so much he has been to a massive six high schools in two years (thats terrible parenting). Needless to say he has a little trouble making friends and on his first day, after deciding to strike up a conversation with Amanda, the prettiest girl in bike shorts the whole school, he gets himself in an altercation with her boyfriend Wayne and his jock mate Cecil, making them late for ceramics. Oh no!

After a disastrous day at school, Kevin decides to stop in at the Wonder Weiner on the way home, who are looking for staff, despite the fact that they have one customer throughout the duration of the whole movie. The Wonder Weiner is populated by a number of dorks, except for Lucy – a geeky but pretty, shy girl who goes to Kevin’s school and uses the “downtime” at Wonder Weiner to get paid while she studies.

Social Clubs are of vast importance at Emerson High, and Kevin takes a wander to see what’s on offer when he comes across Amanda, Wayne & Cecil signing up members for the Key Club – the place to be for Jocks & Cheerleaders. Wayne of course doesn’t allow Kevin to join, leaving him with only a few options – one of them being the Science Club, of which Lucy is a member. Kevin soon realises that it’s Wayne and the Key Club that seem to dish out all the crap in the school and everyone else seems to take it.Things look set to change however when Kevin discovers a hidden wall cavity behind a picture of Albert Einstein in the science lab, filled with bottles of “prune juice” belonging to Barney Springburrow (Scott Baio in Zapped). Wayne and Cecil bust into the lab and force Kevin to drink the putrid concoction, which makes him pass out. Thinking they have poisoned him, they flee the scene, but what Kevin actually drank was a potion for telekinesis. The fun starts and the clothes fly when Kevin discovers just how useful his new powers actually are.

The annual Penguin Relay is fast approaching, and Kevin suggests that the Science Club enter, but the other members disagree. They tell him that the Key Club has always won the Penguin Relay, but Kevin isn’t prepared to take their crap any longer, and despite the Key Club’s best efforts to cheat, and a little help from Barney Springburrows magic prune juice, the Key Club is beaten for the first time ever. Amanda, who is the homecoming queen, has to kiss the winner. But the kiss she plants on Kevin goes beyond her homecoming queen duties. Wayne is furious, and poor Lucy is heartbroken.

With Kevin and the Science Club keeping the Key Club on their toes, Amanda starts to discover how much of a jerk Wayne really is and asks Kevin out on a date to make Wayne jealous. Kevin is oblivious to this, but Lucy can see right through her. Lucy is falling for Kevin, but he is too preoccupied with the homecoming queen to notice. She feels invisible, but Kevin thinks more of her than she realises.

Wayne can’t stand being shown up by a science club dweeb and has plotted revenge against Kevin for everything he has done since starting at Emerson high – planting all sorts of questionable items in the Albert Einstein wall safe, and his efforts could get Kevin kicked out for good. Kevins last bottle of prune juice is confiscated along with the other items, and it looks like Wayne has actually won. He’s making the Science Club work the Key Club Booth at the homecoming festival, and has learned that Kevin is allergic to tomatoes. He’s making Kevin dress in drag and perform a cheerleading routine and handing out tomatoes to the audience. But unknown to him, Kevin and the Science Club have spiked the Key Club’s free food with itching flea medication. He’s going to have his fair share of problems if Kevin can get his hands on the confiscated bottle and get around the tomato thing.

Not the most original story in the world but it’s still fun with lots of naked cheerleaders boobies and cheesy practical jokes. There’s also cameo appearances by Linda Blair as Miss Mitchell and Karen Black as the Spanish teacher. Zapped Again is one of those fun movies that I throw on every few months. I dare say I like it more than the original!

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You shouldn’t have buried me. I’m not dead.

I love horror movies, and I feel bad that there isn’t much of a horror contingent representin’ here on my site. I find it difficult to write horror reviews – especially for movies that I really like. You’d like to make the review entertaining to try and entice the reader to go watch it, but you don’t want to give away who lives or dies, and sometimes that’s integral to the plot. Nightmare on Elm St 4 is definitely one of my favourites from the series so I’m going to try and attempt this review. Just a warning though, there will be slight spoilers. It’s totally unavoidable. If you haven’t seen it and you are reading this, get the hell off the internet and go rent/buy it. Right now. Stop reading! Go on! Shoo!

Okay, so I’m gathering that anyone still with me by this point has seen the movie and doesn’t mind if I discuss who bites the big one before the end of the film. Lets begin.

This wonderful Freddy instalment (directed by Renny Harlin, best known to me for being that guy married to Geena Davis) is known to Freddy fans as Nightmare on Elm St filmed for MTV. Made in 1987, it certainly stamps itself down as a teen flick as opposed to the horror flick that the earlier movies (I am referring to 1 and 3) were. Tuesday Knight (Kristen, replacing Patricia Arquette) sings the very catchy opening track and we are instantly thrown into one of her nightmares. She seems to sense that Freddy has returned even though his house (Nancy’s house) is empty and the boilers are cold. Kristen still has the talent to bring anyone into her dreams and Joey and Kincaid don’t seem too thrilled when she keeps dragging them back to the boiler room and out of their own dreams. But when Kincaids dog Jason bites Kristen in their dream, and she wakes up bleeding, she knows it’s about to start all over again.

Joey and Kincaid don’t seem convinced when they see Kristen at school the next day, and even Kristen’s boyfriend Rick thinks she’s gone a little crazy with all this Freddy stuff. Only Rick’s sister Alice seems to take Kristen seriously. Around this time we’re introduced to other characters (or fodder if you will) in typical 80′s movie quick fire fashion. Along with the three remaining Dream Warriors Kristen, Kincaid & Joey, we have Kristen’s boyfriend Rick who is somewhat of a martial arts expert, his sister Alice who is a quiet and shy daydreamer, tough chick Debbie who hates bugs and spends her life working out, smart geek Sheila who believes that the best philosophy in life is mind over matter and hunky jock Dan who doesn’t really have a quirk, but Alice seems to like him a whole lot. Did you get all that?

That night, instead of going to his usual dreamland, Kincaid finds himself in the junkyard where Nancy’s father buried Freddy in the previous instalment. A bit of digging from Kincaid’s dog and a blazing pee, yes a blazing pee, and Freddy re-emerges to exact revenge on those who sent him back to hell. After disposing of Kincaid rather easily, he goes after Joey. Kristen freaks out when they aren’t in class the next morning and with good reason. Her fears are confirmed when later that day she finds out that the pair did both die the night before. Kristen knows she is left defenceless against Freddy and has to face him alone. When her idiot mother drugs her with sleeping pills, she knows that she won’t be waking up again.

When Kristen finally meets Freddy he tries to convince her to bring in more people so he can get to the new kids. She tries in vain not to, but accidentally brings in Alice. When Kristen inevitably dies she passes her gift on to Alice, saying she will need it to beat Freddy. Alice wakes up knowing Kristen is dead, and tries to make it to her house with her brother, but it is already too late.

Alice is left with a gift she doesn’t know how to control and the burden of giving her friends to Freddy. As the people she knows die around her, she takes on an aspect of their personality or skill – and she will need all of them to beat Freddy and make it out of the nightmare alive.

Alice is an extremely likable character and I think that’s part of why this film was so successful. Freddy purists love to bag it, but it was the franchises most financially successful Nightmare on Elm Street film (not counting Freddy vs. Jason) grossing $49 million in the US. Tuesday is great at Kristen, although a very different Kristen to Patricia Arquette. Where Arquette’s Kristen was more innocent, soft spoken and frightened, Knight’s portrayal was definitely more hardened, tough and cynical. Quite understandable considering what her character had been through.

It was disappointing to see the Dream Warriors die so quickly and easily. They fought so hard in the last film, and seemed to die without much effort at all from Freddy in this film. I know it was somewhat essential for the development of Alice and the rest of the story, but I just think they should have stuck around longer and gone out more spectacularly.

Freddy himself takes a more comical turn in this movie, busting out the one-liners and generally seeming to enjoy killing these kids rather than just being pure evil. I honestly like *both* Freddy’s and I think he was just fine until it got to the point in part six that he never actually killed anyone with his glove. A tad absurd. I wasn’t a fan of them stopping the visible wounds from Freddy either (I’d assume to get a lower rating). I still think Tina is the greatest death ever.

Overall, I think this is a great movie, so don’t be afraid to love it and rate it as one of your faves.

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They’re making America safe…barely.

This movie, and perhaps even Jackie Kong as a whole, deserve much much more love. I hadn’t heard of this flick before meeting my boyfriend, who despite it’s R18+ rating over here, used to watch it regularly as a kid with his grandfather. But I had seen and loved Blood Diner, so I was more than open to anything else that Jackie Kong had to offer. Boy was I in for a treat – let me tell you, this movie is so damn hilarious that you’ll be quoting it for weeks and that damn theme song will be in your head for the rest of your natural born life.

The movie begins with our main character, LAPD police officer Melvin pulling over a strange looking character in a straight jacket who appears to speak only French, which is of course dubbed over in true Jackie Kong style. This insane frenchman confesses to Melvin that he has picked up a hitchiker and severely raped him, while asking him if he will touch his balls and lick his trunk. Melvin doesn’t understand French, but proceeds to tell the driver that his trunk won’t close because the latch is broken – completely ignoring the fact that there is a body hanging out of it, successfully showing us that as a cop, Melvin really isn’t that sharp.

We are then treated to a montage of a typical day on the job for Melvin, including an amorous homeless man, being beaten up by a little girl, trying to convince a young woman she shouldn’t be in the line at the sperm bank and the pregnant prostitute advertising her “two for one” sale. I gotta warn you – a lot of this movie rates pretty low on the taste scale, but it’s incredibly funny if you aren’t offended easily.

Back at the precinct, policewoman Sue Perman tells Melvin that their constantly flatulent, pathological liar midget captain, Captain Lewis (Billy Barty!),wants to see him. Lewis informs him that he is being promoted to Night Patrol, and getting a raise and a new partner – Kent Lane. Between Captain Lewis, Kent Lane and Sue Perman, many Superman jokes ensue when Captain Lewis starts talking about “crap tonight”, making Sue feel weak. Despite the fact that he lies all the time, Captain Lewis hates being called a liar, and claims he never said anything about a raise for Melvin. Sue has a huge crush on Melvin, but he doens’t notice at all.

Night Patrol proves be a big problem for Melvin as he is secretly moonlighting as the Unknown Comic – a comedian who wears a paper bag on his head. If Captain Lewis found out about his extra curricular activities, he would lose his job. Melvin sees a shrink to help him sort out his double life, but that doesn’t seem to do any good. After a show one night Tex meets Edith Hutton, the woman of his dreams and Kate Parker, the manager who can make him a star. But just as things appear to be going great, someone starts robbing local bars with a paper bag on his head while telling bad jokes, and all fingers are pointed at the Unknown Comic. Melvin isn’t exactly good at disguising the fact that he is the Unknown Comic either, so it isn’t long before Captain Lewis starts making accusations.

The Unknown Comic is beginning to sell out show after show, and thanks to Kate his star is on the rise. Unfortunately the bag man is also continuing to rob local bars and Melvin is getting closer and closer to being blamed for a crime he didn’t commit. Kate manages to book the Unknown Comic for a big show in Vegas, and Sue tries to get Melvin to go with her to watch the show. Melvin of course refuses, but partially because he’s still hung up on bitchy Edith Hutton, who really only wants the Unknown Comic because he’s going to be rich. Sue goes alone anyway, but when Melvin (as the Unknown Comic) sees her after the show he begins to see that she has massive boobs a bigger heart than Edith and he may be chasing the wrong girl.

Back in LA, things are starting to come to a head as the bag-man is about to rob another bar. Everyone suspects Melvin so he is being watched closely, and to make matters worse the Unknown Comic has a show to perform. Melvin watches on in horror as the Unknown Comic takes the stage, just as the bag man attempts to rob the club! If neither of them are Melvin, then who are these other two with bags on their heads?

While at times groan-worthy, I can’t deny the fact that this movie is laugh-out-loud good. I must warn you though, it won’t be for everyone. I can imagine there would be a lot of people who would find this movie incredibly bad – even unwatchable, but I am not one of those people. The boyfriend and I enjoy showing it to people who have yet to see it, that we know share the same sick sense of humour that we have. In closing, I’d just like to leave you with one of the Unknown Comic’s jokes, which I feel will give you a good grasp on the classiness of this film:

Q: How do you get a witch pregnant?
A: You f*ck her.

Just about sums up the entire film right there.

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Some guys get all the brakes!

This movie is one of my very favourite 80’s movies, clearly proving that you just couldn’t seem to beat the on-screen charisma of the two Corey’s. Although Haim (RIP buddy) was my second favourite Corey, I must admit, he played the role of Les well and even had me believing at certain points that Heather Graham really could fall in love with someone who was basically head height with her boobs. I know Haim was pretty short, but is Heather tall too?

Doesn’t matter. We are here for the review! Aaaand the story goes a little something like this…

Les Anderson can’t wait to get his license. He dreams about it in class at school. His life is completely ruled by the prospect of that one little piece of cardboard being his ticket to freedom. In his fantasies, a cool car and a license are also the key to getting the school’s biggest babe, Mercedes Lane, to fall in love with him. But alas, Les is a geek with no car and no license, and due to the fact that he never pays attention in driver’s ed class, not much prospect of getting one.

But when Mercedes has a fight with her boyfriend at a party, Les just happens to be at the right place at the right time. She grabs him in an attempt to make the older man jealous and says that they have a date. Les is stoked! Now all he needs is that license! Oh yeah, and find out if Mercedes actually means what she said about going out with him. Les gets his lucky break when his father picks him up for a driving lesson in his grandfathers prized Cadillac that his family are looking after for him. He spots Mercedes walking home and convinces his Dad to let him take the car for a few minutes to impress her. Unfortunately for Les, she’s not going home. She’s off to a friend’s place on the other side of town. Les drives her there, but leaves his fuming father on the sidewalk with an armful of groceries in order to do so.

The day of the test finally arrives, and Les finds out the hard way that falling asleep and dreaming about Mercedes has done nothing for his driving knowledge. He fails his test, but after hitting his computer in frustration, he causes the whole network to go down. The manager of the DMV chooses to pass Les, because his twin sister Natalie (who is the complete opposite to Les) passed with a perfect score. Les manages to pass hurdle one, but his driving ability test is going to be anything but easy.

While Natalie seems to have landed the driving instructor from heaven, Les’ seems to be straight from the pits of hell. He is quick to inform Les that unlike other instructors, he doesn’t use a clipboard – just a cup of hot coffee precariously placed on the edge of the dash. Now off into the traffic!

Miraculously, Les survives his exam not only in one piece, but with a passing mark! But as he is leaving, the manager calls him over to deliver him some awful news. The DMV managed to retrieve his test score and are taking his newly acquired license away. Les lies to his friends and family about failing, but when his mother finds the test report in his pocket, the truth is out. Les still has a date with Mercedes, but how will he get there? There is however, a solution. Sneak out to the garage after his parents are asleep – and cruise off in his grandfathers shiny Cadillac.

It seems like the perfect plan, but poor Les doesn’t realise that what can go worng, most definitely will go wrong, and on a grand scale. In a matter of a few hours, Les manages to get his grandfathers car towed away and then scratched and dented by a drunk Mercedes dancing on the bonnet in high heels. Not one to take defeat easily, Les gets his friend Dean (Feldog!) to fix the car, and he convinces Les that the night is young and there’s still time to party. Stupidly, Les agrees…Mercedes has passed out in the back of the car with Dean, so he’s all for the idea of stuffing her in the trunk and heading to a diner on the outskirts of town to pick up chicks. One again, stupidly, Les agrees.

Their stay at the diner doesn’t last long as they manage to damage a car belonging to some tough punk looking dudes and hightail it out of there. Les’ worst fears are about to become a reality when they run into cops who are breath testing drivers. les admits to his friends that he failed his license, and tries to tell the cops he left it at home. The cops are called away to a nearby protest, but while the boys weren’t looking, the drunk guy from the car ahead of them has jumped into their car and driven off causing all sorts of damage. Les does manage to get the car back, but it’s a wreck. He takes his friends and a completely oblivious, but happy Mercedes home, and heads back to his place to deal with his impending doom.

Les’ luck just isn’t getting any better. As soon as her manages to get the Cadillac back in the garage, his father appears with his heavily pregnant mother, who has just gone into labour. Unwilling to let her husband go, she demands that Les drive to the hospital, even though the car no longer goes forward, he can only drive it in reverse. He manages to get his mother the hospital, but leaves the car in a construction zone. And just when Les thinks things couldn’t get any worse, a construction beam falls down with a huge crash, crushing what is left of the car.

This is yet another of those movies that I can remember watching when I was old enough to have a crush on both the Corey’s, but still young enough to have most of the jokes in the film fly straight over my head. Ahh youth. And what can I say – I’m a sucker for a happy ending. And Corey Feldman.

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The biggest lobster tale ever.

Oookay. I think this might actually be the worst movie I have ever seen. And not in the hilariously campy “Boardinghouse” sense, but in the “Oh my God, I want that 90 minutes of my life back I hate everyone involved in every aspect of this film” sense. I’m just going to document the entire thing so no human being ever has to watch this terrible, horrible movie ever again.

JP Shelldrake’s (Tony Curtis) film company raised a profit of 14.7 million dollars in the last financial year, but in doing so, owes the tax office 3 million dollars. The profits have since been spent on luxury yachts and ex-wives so JP’s accountant informs him that the only way to get out of hot water is to report a tax loss for the current financial year, which ends in only six days. They need a film that will lose money, and they need it fast! Cue Stevie Horowitz – Aspiring filmmaker who has just completed his first film: Lobster Man from Mars, who happens to be in the right place at the right time. JP Horowitz, in dire need of a stinker, agrees to look at his film. And so the film within a film, Lobster Man from Mars, begins.

Mars is running out of air, and the King of Mars orders the Lobster Man to go to Earth and steal Earth’s air supply for the inhabitants of Mars. Lobster Man at first refuses to go, but when told that he will be able to eat whatever, or whoever he wants he agrees to take the trip. Meanwhile on Earth, a young couple named John and Mary are driving along a deserted road completely unaware of the fate that awaits them.

Before their very eyes, a UFO hurtles across the sky overhead. Thinking it may be a plane crash, the two head off to see if there are any survivors. When they get to the site where the craft went down, they discover a cave. Upon looking inside they see a giant spaceship. They take photos and head off. Little do they know that Lobster Man climbed into the trunk of their car while they were in the cave…

The young couple pull in at the diner to make a phone call to Uncle Freddie, who just happens to be an expert on extra terrestrials. When they are unable to get through to Uncle Freddie, they call “The Authorities”. They are then told by an army officer that there is no such thing and he hangs up on them and calls the pentagon straight away to look into the claims of the two kids. In the diner, an extremely annoying PI overhears their call and sets off on his own case. The kids then set off to go see uncle Freddie but blow a tire en route. They manage to get to a service station to get the tire changed by the attendant. Deciding to use the spare time to their advantage, they drop in to the motel to get their film containing the alien photos developed. When the service station attendant opens the trunk he is attacked by the Lobster Man, or rather impregnated by him (eww) as later on, baby lobster men burst from his stomach and fly away. Yes I said fly away. These baby lobster have sharp teeth, are bright green and attack promiscuous women who despite this film being set in the 50′s have decidedly 80′s haircuts and clothes. Lobster Man also drops in at the diner where the kids made the call and eats the locals, sparking an investigation into this strange phenomena.

(Dear god, there’s still more, this film is so painful to watch).

After picking up their car from the station attendant who is now under Lobster Man’s control, thee kids set off again, only to lose control of their car which locks the doors and windows and starts driving itself leading them to a strange destination.

(I’m not gonna fast forward. I’m not gonna fast forward. I can do this)

There the young couple meet the Lobster Man, and an ape in a green crash helmet. The ape chases them and they get away. They finally reach Uncle Freddie who shows them a video on Lobsters featuring twin chefs who aren’t really twins. Seriously, this is really what is happening.

Meanwhile Lobster Man is off terrorising young girls in towels and clowns. Once again, I’m just telling it like it is.

Uncle Freddie is worried about how to stop the Lobster Man so he calls the authorities. There he learns that Col. Arkrum has left with only a small group to visit the crash site. At the crash site Arkrum is ambushed by the baby lobsters who are now covered with fur. He kills one and takes it to Uncle Freddie. Freddie invites Skipper Bruce, the greatest Lobster fisherman in the land to help when the supposedly dead baby lobster revives itself and terrorises them all. Mary then returns with the tea that she made for John and Uncle Freddie, sees the Lobster flying around and drops the tea, covering it with boiling water. It then melts.

Once again they send Mary back to the kitchen to make more tea and not worry her pretty little head with Man-talk of Martians. With Mary gone, the men discuss how to trap the Lobster Man and cover it with boiling water. they plan a trip to the Haunted House Hot Springs (!) and lure the Lobster Man there. One of the babies that was lurking outside overhears and returns to tell the Lobster Man of their plans. Oh wait, turns out we have just just been told its a space bat. My bad. So the Lobster Man earlier impregnated the station attendant with Space Bats. Moving on…

John, Mary and Uncle Freddie arrive at the Haunted House Hot Springs which is owned by a dwarf. Mary sees eyes moving in the painting in the living room. Then the PI shows up again, Ugh. John, Mary and Uncle Freddie hold a séance with the dwarf for some reason (I’m starting to wonder if I am missing stuff or if I am just not paying attention). The Lobster Man then shows up. AND THEN THE FILM BURNS UP! YAY!

My joy is short lived, because they get it working again. The Military is going to blow up the Haunted House Hot Springs in fourteen minutes. What the hell is going on here? The Lobster man and the ape in the crash helmet are chasing them around the house. Then there’s only three minutes till the military launch their attack. Mary is stuck in the house when the military blow it up. John cries like a bitch. (15 minutes left!)

They find lobster tracks (?) leading away from the site where the house once stood. (Hey where did the dwarf and the butler go? Maybe they died and I missed it…) They conclude that if the Lobster Man lives then Mary may as well.

The Lobster Man is in fact alive (lets party.) and has Mary tied up in a cave. After some pleading he lets Mary down from her bonds and tells her the story of his homeland being invaded by the bunny men from Neptune who destroyed everything. He explains he just wants to live in a cave on earth the rest of his life. He sets her free. Lobster Man figures that she will bring back the others and they can have a last feast before the professor (the ape apparently) connects the air stealing device and they go back to mars.

The Lobster Man gets tired of waiting for them and attacks them outside the cave. They run off and The Lobster man and the ape steal their car and chase them. The group find a Jeep and commandeer it and the chase leads into Yellowstone park. They spray the ape with hot water and he melts. The Colonel and Uncle Freddie then run away and the Lobster Man chases Mary. John tries to save her by luring him into old faithful geyser. The next eruption is scheduled to take place at 4:37. John’s watch reads 4:36. However throughout the whole movie we have been told that Johns watch is broken and keeps stopping at 4:36. Uh oh!!

Then the Lobster Man shoots John and through the wonders of clay-mation and stop frame animation we can see the flesh melt from his face very horribly and cheaply. Oh dear kill me please I’m going to poke my eye out with a fork.

Mary tells the Lobster Man to come get her and lures him over Old Faithful. The “geyser” erupts and melts the monster man. Its over! And after a monologue from the most annoying character in the film, with the Lobster Man dead, all his victims return to life again.

JP Shelldrake buys the film thinking it sucks (oh dear god is he ever right) and it turns out to be the biggest opener that the company has ever had (in some completely mental alternate universe). The movie makes a huge profit and JP Shelldrake is hauled off to jail for tax fraud, leaving Stevie Horowitz to take over his position as CEO and to bone his secretary. Oh yay for happy endings.

Stevie Horowitz may have had his happy ending, but I need a stiff drink, some brain bleach and 90 minutes of my life back. Avoid at all costs.

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He’s a vampire who hasn’t scored in 400 years. Tonight’s the night!

Rockula is the cult flick that never was. Seriously. If this movie got wider distribution and marketing back in the day, I’m sure it would be among cheeseball classics such as Killer Klowns from Outer Space and Rock & Roll High School, and we’d be buying shirts from 80′s Tees with Stanley’s Death Park plastered on the front. But unfortunately for all those involved with Rockula, that never happened as the film became one of the casualties of the collapse of Cannon/Pathe films and some subsequent dodgy dealings. Made in 1988, but shelved until 1990, I believe it may have had an extremely limited theatrical release, but then went quietly to a (once again) limited video and laserdisc release with no buzz whatsoever.

Ralph LaVie is a vampire with a big problem. 300 years ago, he was lucky enough to meet the love of his life, the beautiful Mona. Mona and Ralph fell in love, but as luck would have it, Mona already had a boyfriend – a pirate with a rhinestone peg leg (you still with me here?) who didn’t take too kindly to Ralphie moving in on his girl. So he donks her on the head with a ham bone, and she dies without Ralph being able to save her. To make matters worse, for his failure to save the woman he loves, fate has cursed young Ralph to repeat the process every 22 years on Friday the 13th. He will meet Mona, they will fall in love only for her to die a few days later at the hands of a pirate with a rhinestone peg leg weilding a ham bone. Fast forward to the present, where Ralph is determined to break the curse by having absolutely no part of it and staying home. But it doesn’t take much goading on the part of his sarcastic doppelganger who is trapped in the mirror for him to head out, and wouldn’t you know it? Mona hits him with her car.

Ralph pretty much high tails it out of there straight away, but not without first making an impression on Mona. Ralph still believes that the best course of action is to stick his head in the sand, but his mother Phoebe (Toni Basil) tells him that whether he likes it or not, she’s going to die in a few days unless he does something. Realising she is right, Ralph decides to find her. After spending the day scouring LA for any hint of her or her band, he finally stumbles across a flier for her show that evening at Club Hell. He manages to talk to her, but in trying to impress her he tells her that he’s in a band. Ralph is musically inclined, but he definitely doesn’t have a band however after rounding up his artistic friends at the local bar (including Bo Diddley and Susan Tyrell), Rockula is born!

Ralph leaves a flier at Mona’s house, knowing that she will come to see his band, who end up being a huge success. Mona is drawn to Ralph, but can’t figure out why. As Ralph and Mona begin to spend more time together it becomes clear that Mona’s manager and operator of the local coffin emporium, Stanley will prove to be a very big problem. He’s also in love with Mona, and his psychic Madame Benoit has not only informed him of his competition with Ralph, but also that he is a vampire! Madame Benoit tells Stanley that in order to save Mona, he must kill her…provided he does it with a ham bone while dressed as a pirate with a rhinestone peg leg…the plot thickens!

Ralph is struggling for a way to tell Mona the truth about who they both are, and an evening with his mother doesn’t do much to help the cause, leaving Mona very confused. Ralph finally confesses the truth to her, turning himself into a bat as proof, which understandably freaks her out. Confused and upset, the pair mope in their bedrooms for a few days (via a montage of course), until Mona decides she’s had enough and packs her stuff and heads for the airport. She doesn’t get far before realising that vampire or not, she loves Ralph and goes back to Club Hell’s Halloween party to face her destiny.

Ralph is relieved when Mona finally appears, but their troubles are far from over. Stanley has dressed as a pirate for Halloween, and there is a conspicuous amount of ham sandwiches in the backstage area. At the urging of the very familar looking Madame Benoit, Stanley kidnaps Mona and attempts to kill her so he can cryogenically freeze her forever, and Ralph realises it’s time to finally bring the curse to an end.

This movie really is the epitome of quirky, with not only the ever awesome Dean Cameron, but Thomas Dolby, Susan Tyrell, Bo Diddley and Toni Basil!! What more could the cult film enthusiast possibly look for? I also must give a mention to Tawny Fere, who is really very beautiful and it’s a shame she didn’t do more stuff.

It’s got catchy musical numbers (including one from Thomas Dolby that ended up on the cutting room floor), great actors and plenty of scenes that make you ask the question, “Wait, did that just happen?”. Why Rockula wasn’t a massive hit is something I will probably never know.

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(info from Vinnie Rattole)

Terry Griffith is about to go where no woman has gone before.

Yet another 80′s classic that I’ve waited far too long to review. I remember watching this one back when I was way too young to understand any of the jokes, let alone see a pair of boobs. Having watched it yesterday, I can definitely say that the acting was pretty bad, and even though Joyce Hyser is undoubtedly attractive (great legs), you also have to remember that she would have been picked for a the role based on her ability to look like a dude. So this movie presents you with somewhat of a dilemma – is Terri a hot chick, or does her transformation into Terry completely negate that? For safety’s sake, lets just jump on the other boat and say Clayton Rohner is a certified fox.

In case you’ve lived under a rock since 1985, and haven’t seen this movie, allow me to elaborate on the story a little bit. It’s a pretty simple story, so lets hope that I can stretch it into something long enough to vaguely resemble a review. Did you like the extra words in that sentence? It’s called padding folks. Kickass. Anyhow, our young heroine Terri is the hottest girl at her high school. Sure, she has slightly boyish features and a masculine voice, but she’s got legs that won’t quit so who cares right? Terri’s so hot that even the teachers perve on her, and all the guys fawn over her and completely ignore her very cute, blond, married-to-Dirk-Benedict best friend Denise. Logic is sometimes conspicuous by its absence in these films, but I digress. Terri has her heart set on being a journalist, but when her teacher fails to pick her article for submission to the Sun Tribune for a summer internship and suggests she should be a model instead, Terri doesn’t take it too well and thinks just because she is hot no one will take her seriously. Even her “perfect” college boyfriend thinks that she doesn’t have a future in journalism. Not willing to take no for an answer, she decides to masquerade as a guy and submit the same article at a high school on the other side of town.

Not knowing the first thing about being a guy, Terri turns to her hyperactive, sex starved younger brother to teach her a thing or two. After she learns sufficient information about trash talking and scratching her balls, Terri decides that it’s time to bite the bullet and head to school. Used to being popular and having everything come easy, Terri doesn’t realise how easy it is to get on the bad side of resident jock and table lifter Greg (sweep the leg!). But being tossed into the bushes by a neanderthal has it’s advantages, as Terri meets Rick, another new kid from a few months back who’s still being bullied by the illustrious Greg. Terri and Rick soon become good friends when Terri decides to help the tragically dressed Rick and give him a few style tips and also help him find a date for the prom.

As would be expected, Terri has to deal with all sorts of situations that could potentially reveal her gender such as the men’s bathroom, ending up on the skins team in gym class, and of course, showering after gym. On top of all that, she’s attracted the attention of a young girl at school named Sandy (Sherilyn Fenn!) who desperately wants to go on dates with her, and she still has to hide her daily gender swapping from her boyfriend who’s getting pretty annoyed with her secretive nature. After a disastrous double date with Sandy, her pre-teen cousin and Rick, Terri comes home to find her boyfriend Kevin waiting for her. He’s disgusted to find out that not only did she miss their date, but she’s also drunk! Its yet another close shave for Terri, and its only a matter of time befoore she gets caught.

Terri’s influence has done wonders for Rick’s confidence though and it isn’t long before he’s worked up the courage to face down Greg the jock and steal his girlfriend, Debra. Terri has unfortunately begun to realise that she has feelings for Rick, and isn’t too thrilled about him taking Debra to the prom. Terri convinces Denise to be her date, but by this time things with her boyfriend Kevin are a real mess. Kevin shows up unannounced at the prom, wanting to know what the hell is going on. Rick mistakenly thinks that Terri is gay, until she takes him aside and flashes him her goodies. Rick is confused, angry and embarrassed and Terri is heartbroken. She decides to write her Sun Tribune entry article about Rick and her experiences as a guy. Terri’s article is successful of course, but she’s miserable without Rick. But I’m sure we all know that he’ll come to his senses and realise how much Terri loves him.

Now honestly, I’m 100% all for a happy fluffy ending but I find it completely unbelievable that you could fall in love with a girl who has been your male best friend for the last two weeks unless you were borderline homosexual (not that there is anything wrong with that!). But I mean, wouldn’t it just be weird pashing the guy who was giving you advice on women a week earlier? It just all seems way too weird, but it’s 1985, and a teen movie, and Clayton Rohner is waaaay hot so I forgive him for snogging a dude…who’s really a girl…but it’s still weird. Like this movie, my review makes no sense. Awesome.

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